alora_dream

PLease

2005-11-10T21:02:09Z

I am going to start writing again again again. But please link to aloradream (No underscore). I can't confuse myself with a million different diaries.

If you are smart

2005-11-10T21:00:10Z

If you are smart and you decide to be witty and read a classic novel like "The Jungle" by Upton Sinclair, make sure you do not read this novel while eating lunch.
Yuk.

Courtney

2005-07-15T17:50:35Z

Courney was my best friend in high school and sort of a perennial best friend for life. When I was traveling in Europe with Milly, I was traveling with Courtney. When I lived with Andie, I lived with Courtney. She was always just that person... it is hard to explain.
Courtney and I were inseperable in high school, though I didn't know how many drugs she was doing.
She started at 15 or so, when she was too young to understand what she was doing and too human for it not to matter.
I left our friendship eight years ago when I couldn't handle seeing my friend mumble through words and stumble through life high on dope. I remember her crying and telling me she needed me. And I sort of just couldn't do it.
Over the years I heard very little of her. Courtney was a stripper. Courtney had big boobs now. That was about it. I called her once and her voice sounded like it did when she was on heroin and I was scared and I never called her again.
Until last night.
Courtney got a perfect score on the SAT. She understood all her classes, unlike me, and she was in all the honor courses. She was pretty and oh so goth and cool. The first person in high school with a lip ring. She went to UC Irvine while I went to junior college.
I knocked on her door last night and when she answered, she looked exactly like the Courtney I had known before. But with bigger boobs.
And problems so adult, so big, its hard to innumerate them here.
I am pretty sure it was hard for her to come out in public with me, she seemed so uncomfortable. She may be homeless soon, so I paid for the snacks and the beer.
She was embarrassed to go to the store... earlier this week she had a seizure and wet her pants while shopping.
She chatted about how one of her boobs broke in a recent car accident and now its deflated while the other is still perky.
The conversation was stilted at times, but when it flowed I wanted to dam it up for her. I wanted her life to not have happened that way at all. It was so sad.
I asked if she was happy, and she looked at me like that was the first time anyone had ever asked her that.
And this morning, as I lay under my covers I tried to think.... what day was it that passed, THE DAY, that I could have taken out and just stopped her?
What moment in time changed her life from something that could have been to who she is now.
That's when I wish movies were real. I could stop time and go back and slap needles out of her hand and take her to the very sad apartment she lives in today and show her what she might just be if she keeps on doing this bullshit.
Just stop, rewind, patch things up, fast forward.
I am sure she knows this. I am sure she would like to do this, too.
This year is our ten year high school reunion, and one of the reasons why I got the bug up my ass to see her. She is not planning on going, she said.
"Nothing to reunionize about," she said. "I should be in medical school by now."
"You should be done with medical school by now," I said.

friends

2005-03-11T23:56:57Z

I have spent a good amount of time alone, sort of reflecting on what is important to me and how I shall proceed in the future with work, friendships, love relationships and the like.
Now I would like to go out with my friends again. I miss you guys. :)

One day

2005-03-11T23:04:16Z

I remember sitting in that pink room with my dinner or a crayon or something and thinking "trust no one" and how weird that was.
I was always a really trusting young woman with lots of friends and I had felt that all those friends were gone and everyone was out to get me. They were going to hurt me, whoever they were.
It is a scary feeling, losing your mind, as you might imagine.
Over the course of a couple of months, after the memories of the rape came back to me quickly and brutally, paranoia and anger set in in ways I could have never imagined.
And slowly, the people I trusted I lost trust in. Then I lost it in myself.
My mom and dad came to visit me the first or second night, I don't remember. And my mom said I could stay with them for a while until I felt better. But I HAD been staying with them for a while and my father was acting horribly toward me and I no longer trusted him.
I wrote him off as I had written off a lot of people.
And I asked her "will I be safe there?" and she didn't know what I meant.
I know I meant that I needed a quiet space where people weren't hurting me or yelling at me or telling me what to do. Where I felt safe and loved and secure because at that moment in time there was nowhere on the planet I felt safe, besides a hospital of all places.
It was frightening.
And when I asked her if I will be safe, both my parents did not know what I meant. They thought I meant I was going to kill myself or something.
So the answer was no. They couldn't keep an eye on me and if I were going to kill myself they wouldn't be able to stop me.
And when they left that was when the last names were crossed off my list of insanity.
And then there was no one.
I felt so very alone and for the first time I did want to kill myself.